Search

Shy

A safe place to vent & seek understanding. Broken.

Conflicted

Feeling conflicted 😐 so called friend (same old that I’m meant to be godmother to her daughter) just told (well sent a pic) me that’s she’s pregnant again. I’m glad for her yet feel empty. I know I shouldn’t feel this, after all it’s not about me but it makes me feel like I’m a nobody. She barely contacts me anymore, it would have been nice to be told earlier. She’s 3 months gone. Just don’t feel much like friends anymore. She doesn’t seem to care if I’m in her life or not. I guess I also feel left out as my life isn’t going anywhere. I can’t seem to push myself out of this rut. I’m going crazy. I feel like I have nothing to talk to anyone about. Tbh I don’t even think I can hold conversations. I’m never happy. I can’t breathe. I want change but I’m lost. I don’t know why the news got to me so much, I’m not even sure I want children. One of the only reasons I’d have any is so I wouldn’t be alone when my parents aren’t here anymore. And that makes me feel both awful and so lonely. I’m petrified of being left alone with no one that understands or truly loves me, for me. I feel like I’ve been mourning their deaths all my life and they aren’t dead. Always fearful to the point where I’d not cope. I’ve fought through illness my entire life, I’ve tried to have a life but things just haven’t worked the way I thought they were meant too. I’m beyond tired. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m sorry for offloading onto you. I know it’s the same old shit.

Advertisements

Why..

I’m kinda bummed but also meh as it’s my so called god daughters birthday today (Monday) and I’ve not heard anything about her birthday party which I’m guessing was held this past weekend. Nice to be invited.. ha. I’m just feeling shit. Like I’m being punished for being unwell. I know they don’t believe I’m ill but that just makes it worse. I’m sick and tired of never having anyone that gives a damn about how I feel. Do they think I enjoy being like this? That I enjoy being single at 31! That I enjoy the fact that I have no life and still live at home! Or that I’ve no career or job! That I don’t have anything going for me in life and that each day just feels like I’m one step closer to never achieving anything and that I’m closer to death! Or that I enjoy having no friends around that offer support etc! I’m just so fed up. I hate my life. I don’t know how to change. I’ve asked for help and yet nothing gets sorted out. I feel guilty because I know my issues are nothing compared to others. I feel guilty because my depression doesn’t have a reason, it’s not caused by an event. I’m just done. I never thought I’d be the person left behind. Never thought I’d have nothing to show for 31 yrs. Never thought I’d still be at square one. I’m so alone it’s painful and just knowing that one day I’ll be all alone when my parents are gone, just kills me inside. I don’t want to be alone.

RIP Chester Bennington 

I think I’m still in shock… I just can’t believe it 😦 I grew up listening to Linkin Park, they were my favourite. Apparently he died on Chris Cornells birthday, they were close friends… 😦 

I feel lost and so heartbroken… such a shame. Just shows that the demons don’t discriminate. 😔

Scared

Easter was 👎. Low mood decided to get worse. I just honestly feel like there isn’t anything for me in life, I’m not talented, gifted or smart. I’m a waste of space. I’m bored 😐 but crippled under depression and illness. I’m tired of being this way. I don’t know how to change things. I’m lonely but in the end everyone leaves, always. I’m on a tightrope of emotions, one slip and I’m falling lower again and again. Honestly, I’m not happy. Not be a long shot. But I don’t know how to change that. 

I don’t know how to break this sadness. I’m just existing not living. I’ve no motivation for anything, just sleeping the days away. I don’t know how to change and that scares me. 

Struggling 

I’m not living just existing.. I worked so hard and nothing became of it so I started my own business about 5 years ago, it does ok but I can’t live off it. I feel like I could have everything together. I still live at home with my parents, I don’t have any family, I’m single, 30, no kids, no career, no house or car etc. My health is shit… What do I have to show for my life?

End

I’m struggling so much right now… really having to stop myself from ending it…

I reached out on fb yesterday saying I couldn’t breathe… no one commented or messaged… apart from my parents, I have nothing to live for and that scares me.. currently in tears..

I’m hurting so bad ..

Reflection 

Just looked in the mirror and didn’t recognise my reflection… 😿😿😿😔😔😔

I can’t breathe. 

Ghost

How annoying is this… just had a good mood moment, felt more positive. Then out of nowhere I start to think about dying from DVT, and the benefits of being dead…I could travel the world as a ghost!! I shit you not!! Wtf is going on in my head?? Lol 😂 

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑