Feeling conflicted 😐 so called friend (same old that I’m meant to be godmother to her daughter) just told (well sent a pic) me that’s she’s pregnant again. I’m glad for her yet feel empty. I know I shouldn’t feel this, after all it’s not about me but it makes me feel like I’m a nobody. She barely contacts me anymore, it would have been nice to be told earlier. She’s 3 months gone. Just don’t feel much like friends anymore. She doesn’t seem to care if I’m in her life or not. I guess I also feel left out as my life isn’t going anywhere. I can’t seem to push myself out of this rut. I’m going crazy. I feel like I have nothing to talk to anyone about. Tbh I don’t even think I can hold conversations. I’m never happy. I can’t breathe. I want change but I’m lost. I don’t know why the news got to me so much, I’m not even sure I want children. One of the only reasons I’d have any is so I wouldn’t be alone when my parents aren’t here anymore. And that makes me feel both awful and so lonely. I’m petrified of being left alone with no one that understands or truly loves me, for me. I feel like I’ve been mourning their deaths all my life and they aren’t dead. Always fearful to the point where I’d not cope. I’ve fought through illness my entire life, I’ve tried to have a life but things just haven’t worked the way I thought they were meant too. I’m beyond tired. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m sorry for offloading onto you. I know it’s the same old shit.

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