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Shy

A safe place to vent & seek understanding. Broken.

People 

People wonder why I am the way I am… is it any wonder that I’m anxious, stressed, depressed etc when I’m made to feel like shit ūüė¶ 

I don’t know how to make friends as an adult.. 

I can’t breathe. 

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I can’t stop feeling.¬†

I can’t breathe right now. I can’t stop feeling worthless and useless and lazy and lonely and pathetic and a waste of time and space. 

I can’t stop feeling. 

I’m lost and afraid. What has my life become? Why can’t I function? Why aren’t I normal? What’s wrong with me? 

I’m sinking further into depression and I can’t pull myself up. I see no light at the end. 

I know people are judging me. I know they think I’m lazy and not trying. I’m trying so hard, as hard as I can. 

I can’t cry.. I want to but the tears are trapped deep inside. I don’t want to be a burden anymore. I don’t want to make my family sad or miserable because they can’t help me. 

I’m a failure. This isn’t how I thought life would play out. I’m ashamed of myself. I’m scared to break free. I don’t know who I am without depression and illness. 

I could vomit right now, my chest is heavy, my breathing shallow, the panic rising. I feel like I’m going to explode. 

I just want a normal life. I want to be ok in myself, to be healthy, to have people want to be around me, to have friends that care, to not be a burden to my family.

 I love my family so much, so much that it hurts. I worry when I’m not with them, I stress about them being ok. I’d fall apart if anything happened to my family. 

I’m having a breakdown and there’s no one around to help me, I don’t feel like I can talk to my family anymore, I don’t want to hurt them or burden them anymore. They’ll listen I know they will but I just don’t want to cause more pain and upset. 

I’m 30 but I’m not an adult. I don’t seem to be able to cope like others do. 

I’m sick and tired of being this way. 

I slept my days away in pain… it’s no life. 

I can’t deal with it anymore. 

I don’t know what to do…

Loneliness 

Unwanted 

Void 

Punish

I’ve come to realise that I allow food to punish my body. By that I mean that instead of the usual self harm tendencies i.e. Cutting, I abuse my body by eating and eating and eating. 

Even after healthy meals, I can’t help but be disgusted with myself. I hate myself. 

It’s a form of self harm. It’s as if I want to make myself even more unattractive to others. In order to back up my own beliefs about myself. 

People say I need to love myself before others can but I just can’t reach that level of acceptance. 

Failure 

Disposable Me

So called friends know I’m not well and they do nothing to help me, never asking how I am or if I’m ok. It’s all one sided. I feel like I’m being ghosted … don’t know what I’ve done to deserve being treated like this. I’ve done everything I can for this person, looked after her when she’s been ill, took her to hospital multiple times, got her from work and drove her to doctors in her car without insurance! Took her places, got her shopping, looked after the baby, driven her about, spent so much money on her, given her furniture, helped her move nearly 1:45hours away. Without payment or ever wanting anything other than friendship. 
I’ve been there for everyone, all through my life, at school, uni, work etc EVERYBODY leaves me. Everyone treats me as disposable. 
I treat everyone the best I can. I do everything I can for people but nobody gives a shit about me. 

They never have.

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